I sat back in my chair that day in a way I had never done before.

I pushed my body backwards, let my head fall, crossed my arms, and closed my eyes to block out the neon lights that reside above my desk.

I drifted off into my own little world.

In that moment there was no one waiting for help at the counter to my right. There was no noise; there were no voices. There was no movement; there were no questions. There was only silence. And it was in that moment I felt a kind of peace I haven’t felt in a very long time.

Even before I opened the email, I knew it was going to be about us. I knew it had the potential to knock me off my feet. Before she sent it I spoke with her on the phone. There was a different tone to her voice; it was somber, it was deeper, it resonated. I began to think, what was on its way to my Inbox.

Cue: Me firing up my email.

Cue: Me downloading the file.

Cue: Me opening it.

Cue: My jaw dropping.

No sooner did my eyes focus on the text did I stop dead in my tracks. Internally I was shifting left to right, having gone from 0 to 60 in mere seconds, while outside, my body had frozen in place. Time managed to halt.

I had assumed what she wrote would begin, “Hi Alana”, or “Well, here are some thoughts”.

Boy, was I off.

Those first two words; they pulled me in.

I took a moment for an extra-long blink, and a head shake. I opened my eyes and read it again;

“Dear Grandma”.

Oh my God.

She wrote a letter to her Grandma — She wrote a letter to her Grandma about her life, and about us. She wrote a letter to a woman who helped shape her to her very core; to a woman who sat beside her as together they rode miles through thick & thin.

What intensified her words is that her Grandma now lives her days in a very different place.

It’s hard to argue it’s a better place, even though we all tell ourselves that, as those who love her can’t give her a kiss, or wrap their arms around her. Though it does come with its perks that work in her favor, like immortality, ever-lasting health, and the ability to watch over those she loves from morning til night, tracing their paths as they grow.

My body turned to jello.

I was paralyzed by emotion.

This is the moment I slid back in my chair and the world disappeared.

Without giving it a second thought I closed my eyes, and as if on auto-pilot I passed through a set of doors. As I walked in I caught the name on the wall — “processing room”.

My mind took off.

Her. Me. What we were feeling. What had happened. How had it happened so quickly. What was going to happen next. Where would we end up. What was my heart telling me. What was her heart telling her.

And just as time had halted itself, I halted my mind, and I focused on fact.

I knew our feelings for one another very much so lined up — I knew that we were working off the positive & intense energy the other was putting out. I knew that our paths crossed for a reason. I knew how I felt when I looked at her, and how I felt when I was around her.

I was brought back down to earth by reminding myself that wherever we are going to end up, whenever we are supposed to get there, we will, and we’ll figure it out together — I know there’s a reservation, I’m just not sure of the exact date. So for now we will sit tight, and wait for the answers to come to us naturally.

And “naturally” seems to be our theme.

We will venture down this road one step at a time, on our timetable, as there is no watch in existence that can clock this for us, and no alarm that will sound to let us know its time.

So again, I thought to myself;

She wrote a letter. To her Grandma. In heaven. To tell her about all the good that is her life, and I’m a part of that good.

I think part of my jaw still remains on the floor next to my desk.

It was the last thing I expected to read that morning, and the best thing I’ve read since.

Let’s rewind.

When I met her it was unlike anything I have previously experienced.

She sat beside me. I swung my head to the right so I could introduce myself, and without even being able to get a ‘Hello’ out I lost my breath. I felt a pull towards her. Was there an elastic band wrapped around my waist that she was holding on to? Felt like it.

There was something very unique and beautiful about her smile, her eyes, her face, her voice.

I did a double take.

I somehow managed to regain control of my breath, which had all but subtly stopped at this point, and of my arm, which wanted to place itself on the back of her chair.

I found myself intrigued with her personality, and engulfed by her energy.

I of course hid those feelings within myself for later contemplation.

At the end of the evening, she went home. I went home. She slept in her bed. I slept in mine. We woke up the next day and went about our Sundays as we probably did any other Sunday that proceeded. But one thing was different. One thing had stayed with us.

Each other.

Fast forward fifty-one days and you are brought to where we are today.

We have both made major life changes this year, far exceeding what began on June 20th, though affirmed by that evening and what has grown from it.

I feel more understood than I have in quite some time, and thinking about all there is to come sets my heart on fire.

It makes me believe in the sacred, and has brought a brighter day into my view. To know her is incredible enough, but to connect with her… To connect with her is something precious.

She was nothing I saw coming, yet everything I’ve been looking for.

That feeling has overtaken my mind, body, and soul.

So, yes — If you were to ask me whether I can believe I am here, my answer would be no. If you were to ask me if I thought I’d be writing something like this anytime soon, let alone about her, my answer would too be no. But if you were to ask me if I now believe something this powerful exists in the world, my answer would be (and is) yes, a million times over.

I wish more people could feel this.

I wish more people could express this.

But at the end of the day, how lucky am I to be living this.